Fradam

That’s right; I’ve found the secret. After a (relatively short) lifetime of saying goodbye to friends (as much as you can do when you live in your home town for 20 or so years), and struggling terribly with it, I’ve made a discovery which will possibly shock the world. Or at least this part of my world. Or well.. at least, it shocked me. As most would know, I distance myself from change as quickly as a leaf-dependent sloth gets away from a lithe jaguar. i.e. I invariably get caught, but hopefully make a tasty morsel for the change agent. All that could change (!) now, and become a thing of the past. In the future, I might just become a sloth that consumes more than leaves, I could sup upon branches too, and we may find that the jaguar no longer finds me quite as an attractive prey.

It’s really quite simple too. What is it exactly that I fear? Saying goodbye. The thought that I might not see the person(s) again. The thought that the world will not be the same; specifically, that the world will be particularly less pleasant from someone’s absence. The key to conquering the fear: don’t think of it as a goodbye. Believe that the world will not be the same, but that you might see the person again, and that although it may feel less pleasant initially, in the long-run it could just turn out okay.

Yes, I am quite aware that many people have been telling me this for literally.. years. But why in the world would I listen to friends and family who were trying to help me cope with saying goodbye to people? That sounds like way too good of an idea.

So, you’re probably wondering, how did such a revelation as this, come to me? What happened, that this simple piece of wisdom that so many have tried to impart to me, finally broke through?

On Friday night, I went to a farewell party; a common scene that I often struggle with. This time, it was different. Although I was farewelling a friend, I knew I’d be seeing more of her once she left (as peculiar as that sounds)… so I was able to very easily rationalise that life was actually going to get better. It was easy to do it in this case, because there was a matter of 3 days involved; I could connect the dots from the sadness of separation to the joy of joining myself.

As I reflect upon periods of saying goodbye in my life, these same dots existed, but usually had weeks, months, or in some case, years, connecting them. In the moment, my vision would be limited; I couldn’t see that far… but in hindsight, it seemed to always work out for the best. Someone looking out for me?

Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m seeing my recently farewelled friend. Hurray

First of all: Happy New Year everyone!

Strange sometimes to realise how quickly another 12 months pass by, and how fast the next 12 will as well. 2008 saw its fair share of newness in my life - new home, new friends, new job… just about anything that could change, did, and it all transpired in a short span of time. I wonder if all this rapid fire alteration of life could be responsible for the motion sickness that I’ve been feeling as of late. I’m told that I am meant to be looking at the roads and the outside world when in a moving vehicle, so that my brain isn’t fooled by what it feels (motion) versus what it sees (something constant, if I’m not looking outside). To transpose; motion sickness in life could result from holding onto what is constant whilst everything changes; rather than opening my eyes to watch the motion in my environment at the same time. Simply Red said it best perhaps - “I’ll keep holding on“. Hmm..

Change has been my age old enemy; a foe that I battled valiantly for many years and resisted the overtures for much time. Yet in 08, its clammy hand closed in and changed much with little thought or consideration for the consequences.. strangely enough; the majority has been to my delight.. a great delight. Much in fact, has been at my own instigation and my own provocation. So if the hand that wrought the change was my own, it makes me wonder why I should feel any sort of motion sickness - surely I should be enthralled by the thought that choices I made have bettered life, irrespective of the costs?

Tab posted a note yesterday about God having a plan for us (Jeremiah 29:11), and these past few weeks have been a testament to it. Maybe I just need to accept that it is all part of the plan… which is certainly a comforting thought. In fact, that thought reminds me that most of this change, I’ve actually enjoyed! So perhaps it is not the change itself…

Being as I’m moving at the moment, I think about the difficulty of moving a fridge - the fact that fridges don’t like being moved, but that when they do move, they need some time to sit upright at room temperature (i.e. not turned on) before they are used, to allow the oil to settle. I feel that is a little like me: I don’t like change, but when I do have to change, I need just a bit of time to sit upright at room temperature before I’m doing things again… definitely a clear cut case of fridge-id living!

A ponderable thought of late, is the heightened activity of the accomplice of my arch-nemesis. Those who aren’t acquainted with the villain of my tale, fear not; it lurks in many places, with many names, and often wearing different coloured hats. This latest hat is one of my most feared.

The above picture is not in fact, the aforementioned foe, but where the dish and spoon are going, is a bit closer to the mark. The past few months, (and the ensuing ones) seem to be constantly filled with this single word, ‘goodbye’. It is a strange word, evoking a myriad of emotions and thoughts, yet, is synonymous with my ubiquitous adversary. You cannot have this thought of farewell without being forced to trace it to its evil root.

So where do people go? Some have left work; some have left the country. Some have left my church, and some have simply left life… all, however, leave a growing sadness in their wake. Whilst it seems like a lot, it is still almost surprising that there aren’t more people leaving one place or another, with the many branches we choose to follow each day. Opportunity to try something different, to go somewhere new, to be someone else… this opportunity confronts individuals on a daily basis. We wake up and decide if we still want to live the same life we always did, or if we want to do something different.

Is it really so easy? I’d like to hope not, but judging by the mass exodus of people from my life this year, maybe it is. Some friends I now only see at farewells; such is the regularity of our mutual friends departing for a foreign continent, seeking fun and adventure amongst people who steadfastly believe that we ride kangaroos to work/school.

I don’t even know how I am meant to feel when saying goodbye. An underlying emotion is always loss. Moments that have not yet had the chance to develop into actuality, conversations that might have been, memories that had not been made — all of these burst in the bubble of a goodbye. The question of “could there ever have been more?” invariably arises, since it is in that second, that finite nature of time is felt in its truest sense. For some people, we have only fleeting moments before they fly away. How can we ever be sure that all that was, was all that was meant to be? I wonder if I will ever see you again. Lenny had it right.

Amidst these lugubrious thoughts rise that expectation of how one is meant to be feeling:

Elation at changing one’s place of employment. Excitement with a trip overseas. Encouragement for supporting another congregation. Empathy with the passing of a loved one. A lot of E’s there, but not the ones I want. Everlasting. Eternal. Enduring.

Somehow though, this is life. This is the life we live in, where people often enter through one door and then exit stage left. Growing accustomed to this process is part of growing up, possibly one of the keynote aspects in fact. Perhaps that is why I never have really grown up; somethings, I just can’t accept yet.

Closing thought; something I first read when I was about 6, from a tiny scroll purporting to contain the meaning of life (i.e. a fortune cookie from a Chinese restaurant):

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional

So true.